Lone Wolf Sullivan is a writer, songwriter, and studio musician.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

FLESH GORDON (1974) * * *

FLESH GORDON is a soft-core spoof of the 1930's FLASH GORDON serials. Professor Gordon (John Hoyt) informs us that Earth is "in big trouble" because Emperor Wang the Perverted (William Dennis Hunt) of planet Porno has aimed a "Sex Ray" at Earth that causes everybody to become uncontrollably horny.

Football player Flesh Gordon (Jason Williams), girlfriend Dale Ardor (Cindy Hopkins), and scientist Dr. Flexi Jerkoff (Joseph Hudgins) take the Stratos-ship (shaped like a phallus) to Porno to save Earth from Wang and his Sex Ray.

Dr. Flexi Jerkoff asks: "Do you take me for a fool? Do you think I don't know you've come here to steal the plans to my new interstellar hydro-combustion miracle-patented micro-teflon nuclear gamma strato rocketship-grade missile? Which was twenty years in the making. And employs a new updraft design which lifts the ship on small spirals of synthetic strontium pellets."

On Porno they escape Wang's soldiers and retreat into a cave where they are attacked by a Penisaurus. The soldiers take them to Emperor Wang, who sends Dr. Jerkoff to his lab and Flesh into a pit of savage hermaphrodites. He plans to marry Dale. Flesh defeats the hermaphrodites and is rescued by Amoura, Queen of Darkness (Mycle Brandy).

Flesh and Amoura retreat to her space ship, but are blown up by Wang's warship. Only Flesh survives, but the ghost of Amoura appears and gives him her Power Pasties that have the power to fight Wang. Meanwhile, Wang is dressed in a wedding gown preparing to wed Dale. She is kidnapped by the Secret Lesbian Underground led by the Dyke Queen, Chief Nellie (Candy Samples).

Jerkoff: My God, Flesh! They're dykes.
Flesh: Dykes?
Jerkoff: (threatening Chief Nellie's lesbian warriors) Get back there! I've got the Power Pasties, and I know how to use 'em!

Flesh and Dr. Jerkoff rescue Dale and meet Prince Precious (Lance Larsen) of the Forest People, rightful ruler of Porno. Prince Precious says: "I'm Prince Precious, rightful heir to the throne of Porno. Years ago, this planet was a veritable paradise. But Wang, a maniacal botanist whose organ was devoured by a crazed Penis Flytrap, could not tolerate the existence of so much pleasure, and so, banding together an army of the impotent and frustrated, and armed with a small but effective sex ray, plunged my palace into carnal chaos, and took it over."

Using the Power Pasties, Dr. Jerkoff creates a weapon to destroy the Sex Ray, but their space ship crashes. Flesh, Dale, Dr. Jerkoff and Prince Precious go to Castle Wang and are trapped in a giant toilet, the Royal Flush. They swim through a sewer to Wang's throne room. Wang activates his Rapist Robots, but Flesh manages to turn the robots on Wang, who escapes.

There is a great scene in Wang's throne room with many naked men and women running around. One of the men is extremely well endowed, and his monster cock flops and swings around as he runs. Lone Wolf always freeze frames this scene to admire his amazing dick.

Emperor Wang animates a huge monster idol that captures Dale and takes her to the Tower of Murder. Flesh hijacks one of Wang's ships and Dr. Jerkoff shoots the monster with his Power Pastie gun. The monster says, "Ooh, the pain! The humiliation! The hemorrhoids! Nobody burns my ass and gets away with it, Gordon." But the creature falls on Emperor Wang and his Sex Ray, and Earth is saved. Flesh, Dale, and Dr. Jerkoff return to Earth.

This movie is a very delightful comedy, deliberately campy. (The 1930's serial with Buster Crabbe is unintentionally campy.) Jim Danforth's stop motion animation is almost equal to the art of Ray Harryhausen ("7th Voyage of Sinbad", etc.). Danforth created the "Penisaurus" and other strange creatures.

Others in the cast include: Steve Grumette, Nora Wieternik, Judy Ziehm, Leonard Goodman, Donald Lee Harris, Howard Alexander, Jack Rowe, Alan Sinclair, Mark Fore, Annette Anderson, Maria Aronoff, Shannon West, Ric Lutze, Patricia Burns, Sally Alt, Nancy Ayres, Howard Ziehm, Kathryn Foster, Terri Johnson, Pat Hudson, Linda Sheppard, Duane Paulsen, Dee Dee Dailes, Damon Charles, and others. Michael Benveniste wrote the screenplay. Ralph Ferraro composed the music. Michael Benveniste and Howard Ziehm directed.

FLESH GORDON was originally hard-core porn, but police raided and seized the film. The two Directors were forced to view the film in the judge's chambers and all the hard-core footage was removed. It was restored in the late 1990's.


An equally funny sequel to FLASH GORDON was made 15 years after the original. It starts with a movie within the movie, and then Flesh (Vince Murdocco) is kidnapped by the Cosmic Cheerleaders, led by Robunda Hooters (Morgan Fox), because he has a very strong libido and is extremely well endowed, with a bulge in the 12 to 14 inch range. They abduct him by placing a "mindfuck" helmet on his head, then leave Earth in their space ship.

Flesh: If you're holding me for ransom, you're wasting your time. All my friends are broke.
Robunda: We don't want your money, just your virility.

The Cosmic Cheerleaders are the spirit squad for their school's "Codball" team. It's a sports game similar to basketball, and the alien players use their 24 inch cocks as sticks to whack a ball around with their schlongs. But their "cods" go soft and they lose the game. Their erectile dysfunction is caused by an impotence ray used by the Evil Presence (Emperor Wang in disguise).

Dr. Flexi Jerkoff (Tony Travis) and Dale Ardor (Robyn Kelly) leave Earth to rescue Flesh in a space ship that looks like a breast. They become trapped in an ass-teroid field with dozens of flatulent stone asses. To save themselves they fire corks into their sphincters and manage to blow up the ass-teroids. Their ship lands on a planet by using a brassiere-shaped parachute. They find Robunda in a school and rescue Flesh, but the Evil Presence attacks and captures Dale.

Dr. Jerkoff wears an argyle cod piece and he and Flesh fuck chickens to keep their space ship moving, because it runs on sexual energy released by horny chickens. They crash in the middle of a field of grassy breasts, the Mammary Mountains. There they encounter a gay alien in the form of a 30 foot tall cock. It throws a bar of soap to make Flesh bend over and tries to fuck him and then Dr. Jerkoff. "Your ass is mine, sugar britches," it says. They manage to escape by diving into a cave that resembles a vagina, and slide down a sperm-filled tunnel. At the bottom is a Milk Bar where dozens of grown men are dressed as babies, while large-breasted topless women serve them milk drinks. Then the Cosmic Cheerleaders finally catch up to Flesh. Robunda offers a truce and discovers that many of the patrons are members of the missing Codball team.

Dale Ardor has a less enjoyable time. She is frozen inside a huge condom and whisked away in an airship. Then she goes to mad scientist Master Bator's (Bruce Scott) laboratory. Along with cold bitches, dog men, random Pinocchio beatings, and an octopus creature licking her vagina, she is subjected to brainwashing.

Accompanied by Robunda, Flesh and Dr. Jerkoff navigate a five mile long rectum and meet the "Turd People". They are actors dressed in tubular costumes, with brown greasepaint on their faces. There is an entire shit society, even a little kid dressed up as excrement. Musical group Smoky Pile and the Constipations do a show biz routine singing, "I'm a steamer for you baby". Chief Diarrhea (Michael Metcalfe) says the Turds are going to eat Flesh and his companions. Quick thinking by Dr. Jerkoff saves the day: he gives the Turd People some Exlax chewing gum. They all start screaming, "Bowel movement! We gotta move!" and run away. Our heroes escape in a shitty space craft.

William Dennis Hunt reprises his role as Emperor Wang/Evil Presence and plans to have Flesh's monster cock transplanted onto him by Master Bator. Wang has an enormous dick but it is limp from his impotence ray. He says, "I must have that Gordon's organ. When I'm done with him he'll be a dick-less nobody. With Gordon's organ and my sex ray I'll be the only virile man in the universe. I'll change my name to Superstud." His paramour, Queen Frigid (Maureen Webb), is a bad actress and mis-cast.

Robunda: You, as the possessor of the virile force, must make love to the Queen.
Dale: No!
Dr. Jerkoff: Dale--Dale, she's right. It must be done. (aside to Flesh) Rumor has it she's quite a piece.
Flesh: Doc's right, Dale. I'll only stick it in halfway.

Evil Presence: You laugh at the Evil Presence now, woman. But once I get Gordon's sex hammer, you'll beg to be pounded by me.
Queen Frigid: Ha ha ha ha! I kinda doubt it.
Evil Presence: You thought you'd killed me Gordon, but my drive for lust and power is relentless! Your penis and my brain will be a marriage made in Hell!
Flesh: All right penis brain. Let's finish it once and for all.
Evil Presence: Do as I say! It's my fucking planet.

Flesh Gordon and others are taken to the frozen fortress of Queen Frigid and the Evil Presence. Flesh fucks Queen Frigid, so she helps him. He avoids being castrated in the lab and rescues Dale. The Evil Presence reveals himself as Emperor Wang during a fight with Flesh. Wang is defeated and Flesh then returns to Earth in a space ship with Dale and Dr. Jerkoff.

This belated sequel is similar to the original in many ways. It's longer, not quite as good, with scatological toilet humor added. Unlike the original, it is literally original, and does not rely very much on the FLASH GORDON serials for its inspiration. The story is somewhat hard to follow, with a poor sense of pace. It's campy, crude, vulgar, tacky, frantic, juvenile, and cheesy. If you're a fan of big tits and big dicks you may enjoy this sex-comedy sci-fi spoof. You will either love it or hate it. Most viewers hate it, but Lone Wolf loves it.

The cast also includes: Stevie-Lyn Ray (Babs), Sharon Rowley (Candy Love), Blaire Kashino (Sushi), Melissa Mounds (Bazonga Bomber), Sandy Jafferay (Bob Turd), Jayne Smith, Michael Coulter, Neil Grossman, Mitch White, Ian McNeil, David Gregg, Doug Frisby, Murray Brisker, Michael Bafaro, Terrea Smith, Carson Stoddard, Mike LeBlanc, Dean Rivera, Angelica Gordon, Liz Atkinson, Theresa Galbraith, Ronald Burke, Karen Palmer, Lona Thompson, Marty Burtwell, Strawberry Angel, Shannon Keir, Zdenek Juricek, Richard Hendry, Dorothy Wenzel, Jason Koverchuck, Eva Starr, BernieBlighton, Jonas Fairley, Jami Iser, Mike Andreasen, Remco Coessel, Tanjah Iser, J.J. Benjamin, and many others. Original music is by Paul Zaza. The theme song, "The All American Hero" is by Rod Knowlan. "The Hero Always Gets the Girl" is by Bruce Scott and John Hostetter. Howard T. Ziehm and Doug Frisby wrote the script. Howard Ziehm directed.

Both FLESH GORDON movies are best appreciated by those who have seen the original 1930's serials. For instance, Dr. Jerkoff is really Dr. Zarkov. You will not find the movies as funny if you haven't seen FLASH GORDON. If you don't like b & w relics, I recommend FLASH GORDON (1980). It's also deliberately campy, with great production values and an excellent music score by rock band Queen. The cast includes Max von Sydow (Ming the Merciless) and Timothy Dalton. Unfortunately, some of the other actors are mis-cast. And strangely enough, it has been influenced by FLESH GORDON.

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