Night Gallery (1970 - 1973) * * *

When CBS cancelled Rod Serling's series THE TWILIGHT ZONE in 1964, Serling created a similar concept in NIGHT GALLERY as a new forum for his brand of storytelling, a diverse collection of horror, fantasy and sci-fi tales. From 1970 to 1973 he hosted the series from an art gallery on NBC. Serling and others wrote some of the stories, but also adapted classics from H. P. Lovecraft, Algernon Blackwood, Fritz Leiber, and A. E. van Vogt. NIGHT GALLERY was originally titled "Wax Museum", but the name was changed before the first episode was broadcast.

Rod Serling: "Good evening, and welcome to a private showing of three paintings, displayed here for the first time. Each is a collectors' item in its own way--not because of any special artistic quality, but because each captures on a canvas, and suspends in time and space, a frozen moment of a nightmare."

The NIGHT GALLERY two-hour pilot film was first telecast on November 8, 1969 as a TV movie. Rod Serling hosts three macabre short stories, introducing each with a framed portrait in a dark art gallery. It features the directorial debut of Steven Spielberg and one of the last acting performances by Joan Crawford. The first story stars Roddy McDowall as a covetous nephew who murders his uncle, suffering the consequence of being possessed by a family painting. The second story stars Joan Crawford as a blind millionairess who purchases the eyes of down-and-out Tom Bosley in order to enjoy 12 precious hours of sight. The final tale involves a Nazi war criminal (Richard Kiley), who attempts to evade his pursuers by escaping into a painting in a museum.

On December 16, 1970, the first episode "The Dead Man" was broadcast on NBC. Serling in an art gallery introduces the mostly macabre tales that make up each episode by unveiling paintings by artist Tom Wright depicting the stories. Equally horrific sculptures in the gallery were done by Logan Elston and Phil Vanderlei. 43 color episodes were produced: 98 story segments, including 3 in the pilot episode and 2 that were added for the syndication run. Many famous actors appear in the episodes. As the series progressed, Serling suffered from too much network and studio interference. He had less input, control of content and tone than he did on THE TWILIGHT ZONE. There was a communication problem with production, and Serling often didn't know what was going on. By the final season, stung by criticism and ignored by the show’s executives, Serling all but disowned the series.

NIGHT GALLERY was criticized for its use of comedic blackout sketches between the longer story segments in some episodes, and for its splintered, multiple-story format, which contributed to its uneven tone. Despite these distractions, Serling produced many distinguished teleplays. It was nominated for an Emmy Award for its first-season episode "They're Tearing Down Tim Riley's Bar" as the Outstanding Single Program on U.S. television in 1971. In 1972, the series received another nomination (Outstanding Achievement in Makeup) for the second season episode "Pickman’s Model". To increase the number of episodes available for syndication, the 60-minute episodes were re-edited into a 30-minute format, with many segments either severely cut or extended using newly shot scenes and stock footage. Also, episodes of the short-lived 1972 supernatural series "The Sixth Sense" were incorporated into the syndicated version of the series with Serling providing newly filmed introductions. There were two episodes that were produced but were not broadcast: "Die Now, Pay Later" and "Room for One Less". The final episode "How To Cure The Common Vampire" was broadcast May 27, 1973.

Whereas the tales in THE TWILIGHT ZONE are primarily science fiction, NIGHT GALLERY stories have a dark, sinister, morbid, supernatural, and horrific edge. However, both shows are intelligent, and many episodes in each series would fit comfortably in either series. For example, "The Different Ones" from the "Night Gallery" is about a hideously disfigured young man who is sent to a distant planet, where he discovers the inhabitants look just like him. The main thing that is the same for both series is the moralistic sense of justice. Call it Karma or Nemesis, but the characters always reap what they sow.

The first two seasons of NIGHT GALLERY are now available on DVD. The remastering quality is excellent. It is so clear that you can even see the uppper lip hair on Patty Duke in the second season entry "The Diary". There are no DVD extras. In 2004, Universal released the Region 1 DVD collection, including the pilot film and the six episodes of the first season, plus bonus episodes from seasons two and three as extras. On October 16, 2006, the first season, including the pilot film and 2 bonus episodes, one from season 2 and one from season 3, was released on Region 2 DVD. In November of 2008 Universal released the complete season two DVD collection. They announced that one story segment from season two, "Witches' Feast", would not be included due to the fact that Universal was unable to locate portions of the 40 year-old episode. When and if Universal releases the third season of NIGHT GALLERY on DVD the studio expects to release "Witches Feast" as part of that set.

Scott Skelton wrote, "We've been tracking this release pretty closely and are privy to as much information as we can squeeze out of Universal Studios. We're grateful the series has been tapped for a DVD release, and the set has been struck from original, uncut prints--the same ones Columbia House used for its mail-order volumes--and not the butchered half-hour syndication version that played on the SciFi Channel for years. We also fail to see why a series which featured the involvement of both Rod Serling and Steven Spielberg did not rate a budget that allowed special features. If Warner Brothers can load extras into DVD releases of such non-classics as "Wonder Woman" and "The Dukes of Hazzard", then Universal is out of touch with current standards in the DVD business when they fail to properly document their own classic TV shows." Scott Skelton and Jim Benson wrote "Rod Serling's Night Gallery: An After-Hours Tour". It's a great book with rave reviews, possibly superior to Marc Scott Zicree's excellent "The Twilight Zone Companion".

Which series is better? They are both great. NIGHT GALLERY appeals to horror fans, is under-rated and was not as successful as THE TWILIGHT ZONE, which is basically science fiction. Sci-fi is more popular and respectable than horror, much of which is a sub-genre of sci-fi. NIGHT GALLERY is in color, but otherwise both series are equal, featuring excellent writing, acting, direction, and intelligence.

Space Truckers (1996)

The movie begins in the year 2196 on the farside outpost of one of Neptune's moons, Triton. E.G. Saggs (Shane Rimmer), the capitalist boss of a large multi-planetary corporation, and evil scientist Dr. Nabel (Charles Dance) have created a cyborg warrior that is virtually unstoppable. But Saggs betrays Nabel and orders one of his warriors to kill him. Dr. Nabel rebuilds himself later and becomes Captain Macanudo.

John Canyon (Dennis Hopper) is one of the last independent space transport entrepreneurs and his outdated Pachiderm 2000 space ship looks like a big truck. He is competing against huge mega-corporations, and is hassled by high-tech interference from corrupt bosses. After Canyon delivers a cargo of pigs, genetically engineered to be square and stackable for more efficient shipping, he finds his profits siphoned off by crooked labor boss Keller (George Wendt). He initially refuses to join "The Company", an outfit controlling intergalactic trucking, but is unable to resist when the pay is five times the going rate. Times are tough and if Canyon wants to keep his space vessel, he mustn't be too choosy when it comes to clients or too inquisitive about the nature of cargo.

He visits a space station populated by space truck drivers who listen to country & western music. After an argument turns into a bar brawl, Canyon agrees to take a suspicious cargo and deliver it to Earth without questions being asked. Supposedly he is transporting sex toys. He also takes two new crew members: young rookie pilot Mike Pucci (Stephen Dorff) and waitress Cindy (Debi Mazar), who will accept his marriage proposal if he takes her to Earth to visit her sick mother. Canyon and his new-found partners narrowly escape the station, and along the way Mike and Cindy fall for each other. Soon all three of them realize that the cargo happens to be a small army of deadly killer robots.

The trio goes through an asteroid belt, their ship gets hot and they land in big trouble when swallowed by a pirate ship led by Captain Macanudo, the grotesquely disfigured former scientist Dr. Nabel who wants to have a good time and use robots for world conquest. Canyon's cargo of army androids were stolen from Macanudo by E.J. Saggs--who's plotting an android takeover of Earth. Macanudo's funniest scene, and one of the best in the film, comes when he attempts to activate his power-driven private parts to have sex with the unwilling Cindy. He has to get it started like a gas mower, only he has trouble with the pull cord.

Macanudo: I rebuilt my mind!
Cindy: So, you have a homemade brain.

Former National Lampoon editor Ted Mann, who scripted this $27 million science-fiction comedy, calls it "the first outer-space road movie." According to Mann, the film has "no scientists, no techies, none of the usual polished, sanitary environments we're used to in our space films. Space is like anywhere else -- the people who are there are underpaid and poorly regarded." Filmed at Ardmore Studios, County Wicklow in Ireland, this funny sci-fi adventure film is a wild and colorful ride. Bright and brash, it has interesting cheesy special effects and is a highly entertaining dystopian spoof.

SPACE TRUCKERS borrows from every major sci-fi epic of the past two decades, but it does so with style. It was originally made for cable television and is basically an action packed high seas adventure set in outer space that moves along nicely without ever becoming too challenging. However, many viewers and critics do not like it. One commented, "If you like awful films this will have you shaking your head in disbelief with your mouth wide open in complete amazement that a film this bad could ever have been made. This really is rubbish, no don't even be tempted to rent it for cringe factor, it's just very, very sad." Lone Wolf disagrees. I enoy it very much, and have watched it many times.

The cast also includes: Seamus Flavin (Chopper 4), Jason O'Mara (Chopper 3), Vernon Wells (Mr. Cutt), Sandra Dickinson (Bitchin' Betty), Tim Loane (Trooper Officer), Ian Beattie (Trooper), Olwen Fouéré (Building Commander), Roger Gregg (Tank Patrol), Dennis Akayama (Tech Leader), Graeme Wilkinson (Jackie), and Sean Lawlor (Mel). Colin Towns composed the original music score. Ted Mann wrote the screenplay from a story he wrote with Stuart Gordon, who also directed.

Civilisation: A Personal View by Kenneth Clark (1969) * * *

CIVILISATION: A PERSONAL VIEW BY KENNETH CLARK is a 13 episode TV series that chronicles human progress through the centuries. Regarded as one of the finest TV productions ever made, this pretentious highbrow documentary is presented by Kenneth Clark (1903 - 1983), who also wrote an accompanying book. Clark traveled around the world to illustrate the series with breathtakingly beautiful art treasures. The series was produced by the BBC and aired in 1969 on BBC Two. Both the television material and the accompanying book were written by art historian Clark who narrates CIVILISATION.

The series took three years to produce, with filming in over 100 locations across 13 countries. Hailed as a masterpiece when it was first transmitted in 1969, Clark earned a peerage on the strength of the series and became Lord Clark. More pompous, pretentious bullshit. From the fall of the Roman Empire to the Industrial Revolution and beyond, Clark's compelling narrative is accompanied by colour photography of Europe's greatest landmarks. This "history of ideas as illustrated by art and music" remains the benchmark for the numerous programs it inspired. For Clark art is pure, untouched by the corruption of politics and materialism. CIVILISATION is not really a TV show, but a lecture series that presents statements about civilization itself.

Lone Wolf worked as a projectionist at the University of Toronto and showed the entire series countless times for 4 consecutive years. Probably nobody has seen it more times on the big screen than me, and my memory of the series is the art work, Clark's annoying patrician rhetoric, and his astonishing snaggle-toothed mouth. Surely more than anyone he has has given England its reputation as "the land of bad teeth". Yes, it is a great show, but frankly it appeals primarily to snobs who imagine they have infinitely superior taste compared to the "great unwashed". In glorious color, each episode is 50 minutes long, with a total runtime of 670 minutes.

The episodes are as follows:

1) "The Skin of our Teeth" In the first episode Clark admits that he can't define "civilization". He begins with a quote from Ruskin that validates the view that civilization can only be truly understood by studying art. Clark implies civilization is about to be overrun by barbarians, so he offers to start the journey with a look at the last total collapse of reason and culture: when the barbarians destroyed the glory of Rome, then swept through Europe to threaten all the great accomplishments of good Christians. Fortunately, Charlemagne, "the first great man to emerge from the darkness," saved us all. Clark travels from Byzantine Ravenna to the Celtic Hebrides, from the Norway of the Vikings to Charlemagne's chapel at Aachen, telling his story of the Dark Ages--the six centuries following the collapse of the Roman Empire.

2) "The Great Thaw" In the second episode Clark tells about the struggle to overcome the "Dark Age" during which nothing happened in the world (meaning Europe). Watch our "leap forward" from ignorance to artistic enlightenment, embodied by cathedrals--big, heavily decorated cathedrals. The sudden reawakening of European civilization in the twelfth century is traced from its first manifestations in the Abbey of Cluny to its high point, the building of the Chartres cathedral.

3) "Romance and Reality" Beginning at a castle in the Loire, then travelling through the hills of Tuscany and Umbria to the cathedral baptistry at Pisa, he examines both the aspirations and achievements of the later Middle Ages in France and Italy. The parade of heroic figures keeps coming. Religion is represented by St. Francis of Assisi and the arts are advanced by Giotto and Dante. Clark follows the development of "the gothic imagination." Now that the courtly love tradition begins to enter art, Clark also finally starts talking about women, at least as embodiments of abstract ideas like Chastity and Nature. He seems to find placing women at the center of things somewhat absurd and courtly love poetry "unreadable". Even Dante, who paid so much honor to his Beatrice, is a little suspect in Clark's eyes.

4) "Man--the Measure of all Things" After devoting some time to females, he is back talking about men. Even better, artistic men. Clark takes a look at the Renaissance, where, in his effort to say something new about a picked-over subject, his sense of humor really comes to the fore. Visiting Florence, Clark claims European thought gained a new impetus from its rediscovery of its classical past. He also visits the palaces at Urbino and Mantua, other centers of Renaissance civilization.

5) "The Hero as Artist" Listing great Renaissance figures, Clark takes us back to 16th century Papal Rome noting the convergence of Christianity and antiquity. He discusses the heavyweight contenders in his survey of art history: Michelangelo, Raphael, and da Vinci--as well as the courtyards of the Vatican, the rooms decorated for the Pope by Raphael, and the Sistine Chapel.

6) "Protest and Communication" Clark takes us back to the Reformation. That is to the Germany of Albrecht Duerer and Martin Luther, the world of the humanitarians Erasmus, Montaigne, and Shakespeare. Clark finally focuses on a group of thinkers known more for their words who reshaped written language and reflected the radical intellectual shift of their age. Still, we spend more time looking at pictures of them than learning the details of their ideas or listening to their words. We do get to see some Shakespeare performed by Ian Richardson and Patrick Stewart.

7) "Grandeur and Obedience" In the Rome of Michelangelo and Bernini, Clark tells of the Catholic Church's fight against the Protestant north, the Counter-Reformation and the Church's new splendor symbolized by the glory of St. Peter’s. The Counter-Reformation provided the Catholic Church an opportunity to produce more opulent art. Michelangelo, Caravaggio, and Bernini rose to the task, and their work led to the Baroque.

8) "The Light of Experience" Here Clark tells of new worlds in space and in a drop of water that the telescope and microscope revealed, and the new realism in the Dutch paintings which took the observation of human character to a higher stage of development. The power of the Church gives way to the power of Reason, epitomized by thinkers like Descartes and realistic painters of the rising middle class like Rembrandt and Vermeer. Plus the rise of trading empires like Holland.

9) "The Pursuit of Happiness" Clark talks of the harmonious flow and complex symmetries of the works of Bach, Handel, Haydn and Mozart--and the reflection of these in the Rococo churches and palaces of Bavaria. Although every episode is backed by period music, this is also the first time that Clark calls attention to the connection between architectural harmony and the structure of music, particular as this is the age of Bach and Mozart.

10) "The Smile of Reason" Clark discusses the Age of Enlightenment tracing it from the polite conversations in the elegant Parisian salons of eighteenth-century, through the subsequent revolutionary politics to the great European palaces of Blenheim and Versailles, then finally to Jefferson’s Monticello. Seen through the windows of Versailles and Monticello and the words of Voltaire and Jefferson, science, wit, and intellect were prized above all. Once again we see more about the places where people like Voltaire wrote than actually hear any of the words of Voltaire that changed thought in Europe.

11) "The Worship of Nature" Belief in the divinity of nature, Clark argues, usurped Christianity’s position as the chief creative force in Western civilization and ushered in the Romantic movement. Here Clark visits Tintern Abbey, the Alps, and there discusses the landscapes of Turner and Constable. Romanticism reigns. From Rousseau's view of "natural man" to the paintings of Constable and Turner, with a detour to quote the Marquis de Sade, we see how nature inspired a generation.

12) "The Fallacies of Hope" Clark argues that the French Revolution led to the dictatorship of Napoleon and the dreary bureaucracies of the nineteenth century, and traces the disillusionment of the Romantic artists from Beethoven's music, Byron's poetry, Delacroix's paintings to Rodin's sculpture. The reason of the Enlightenment reaches its apotheosis in the impulsive utopian visions of Napoleon, Beethoven, and Byron. As Wordsworth said, "to be young was very heaven." But soon the revolutions would give way to disillusion and cynicism.

13) "Heroic Materialism" Clark concludes the series with his discussion of materialism and humanitarianism of the past century. This takes us from the industrial landscape of nineteenth century England to the skyscrapers of twentieth century New York. The achievements of the engineers and scientists--such as Brunel and Rutherford--having been matched by the great reformers like Wilberforce and Shaftsbury. There is nothing about Twentieth Century art in this series. Clark does not even pretend to understand or respect anything after 1900, but he has plenty to say about the end of the Nineteenth Century which led to the grim modern era that seems to mark the end of civilization for him. However, he does see hope in a history of humanitarianism, "the great achievement of the Nineteenth Century."

Lord Kenneth Clark's CIVILISATION is a revolutionary series despite the conservatism of its message. As a presenter he is dignified, patronizing, pompous, pretentious, and extremely opinionated about western art and culture. He is quite proud to admit that he is "a stick in the mud" who believes in old fashioned values. And don't forget his snaggled teeth. They really are enough to make you not watch his magnificent contribution to western culture. The four DVD set includes a specially written 36-page illustrated booklet of viewing notes. DVD extras include Sir David Attenborough remembering the making of CIVILISATION and a photo gallery of behind-the-scenes stills. But you really must watch it on the big screen to appreciate the great art work. On a small TV screen you'll only see vague muddy art and your eyes will inevitably focus on Clark's bad teeth. It's ironic that CIVILISATION was made for TV, yet the art it depicts can only be appreciated on the big screen. Edwin Astley composed much of the incidental music. Michael Gill directed 7 episodes, Peter Montagnon directed 5, and Ann Turner directed 3.

STAR TREK: The Next Generation TV (1987-1994) * * *

Eighteen years after the original STAR TREK TV sci-fi show ended, creator Gene Roddenberry resurrected the concept with a different cast of characters. It takes place in the 24th century, about 80 years after the original. The series premiered on September 28, 1987 to 27 million viewers with the 2 hour pilot "Encounter at Fairpoint". 178 episodes were produced, and the series ended May 23, 1994 with "All Good Things..."

Comparing STAR TREK TNG with the original, the "Enterprise" space ship (NCC 1701-D) is almost twice as big as Captain Kirk's, special effects are superior, and the scripts are equally well-written and teach a lesson. It has a slick and sleek look and style derived from the STAR TREK movies. Crew complement is over 400, compared to 141 in the original. The mission is the same: seek out new planets and civilizations, plus police the galaxy. There are additions such as the "Holodeck" for realistic recreational fantasies, and "Ten Forward", a bar that serves "synthehol". But unlike the original, there are too many characters and most are not charming, with the exceptions of Data, Worf, O'Brien, and eventually Riker. Most of the stories are quite good and inventive, with more detail than the original. There is a focus on the relationships between the crew members and TNG is less episodic and more serialized. Runtime for the original series is 51 minutes per episode, runtime for TNG episodes is 46 minutes.

(opening monologue) Picard: "Space... The final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. It's continuing mission, to explore strange new worlds. To seek out new life and new civilizations. To boldly go where no one has gone before."

Jean-Luc Picard: The pompous Captain played by Patrick Stewart is presented as the greatest creature in the galaxy. He talks like Hamlet in outer space and says "Make it so", "As you wish", and "Tea, Earl Grey, hot" too often. Like Kirk, he is married to his ship and attentive to his crew. But whereas Kirk is a cultural icon, Picard is just some guy who is really nice. Picard is intelligent, cool, moralistic, diplomatic, serious, too old, and not sexy. He adheres to the "Prime Directive" more than Kirk, but has broken it many times. Dr. Crusher is his main love interest.

Picard: I will just have to trust that you will not let Admiral Pressman put the Enterprise in unnecessary risk and if I find that that trust has been misplaced, I will have to re-evaluate the command structure of this ship. Dismissed.

William Riker: The first officer played by Jonathan Frakes is a suave and somewhat flippant all-American from Alaska. Picard calls him "Number One" although he really is number two. Riker is bold, ambitious, and somewhat arrogant, but experience teaches him to be patient and more reserved. He is sexy and often flirts with alien females. Starting in season 2 he grows a beard. "Riker's job is to provide Captain Picard with the most efficiently-run ship and the best prepared crew he can," Frakes explains. "As a result, he maintains a more military bearing than the other characters, despite the fact that salutes and other military protocol no longer exist in the 24th century." William Riker and Deanna Troi are based on Decker and Ilia from STAR TREK: The Motion Picture.

Riker: You were right, someone blew out the hatch. They were all sucked out into space.
Data: Correction, Sir. That's "Blown out".
Riker: Thank you, Data.
Data: A common mistake, Sir.

Data: The Second Officer and Operations Officer is an android, a logical and objective sophisticated robot who tries to understand his confusing human colleagues because he wishes to become more human. Data was created by Noonien Soong and has a positronic brain, but no emotions. He adds comic relief and is reminiscent of Spock. Data has super-strength and an incredible memory. He's virtually an encyclopedia, but only in terms of information, not behavior. Data is innocent, but he does have a sense of curiosity and wonder that allows him to evolve. He is played by Brent Spiner.

Data: From any particular point of view, sir ?
Picard: On the perspective Lt. Yar using them in combat with Lutan's wife.
Data: Most interesting. Could this be Human Joke Number 663?
Geordi: Negative, Data. That's a captain's order.

Geordi La Forge: The Tactical and Conn Officer for the Enterprise is blind, but can "see" with a special visor apparatus that was derived from a cheap plastic hair barrette. He's a nerd and impressed Picard by staying up all night to fix a shuttle craft with a minor problem. La Forge's irreverence has been tempered with his responsibilities, but his sense of humor remains strong. His faith in technology and his ability to master it, normally an inspiration to those around him, was shaken slightly with the 2370 discovery that warp drive can harm the fabric of some spatial areas. In his personal life, La Forge is insecure regarding dating and female relationships, although this has lessened with time. LaForge is played by Levar Burton.

(talking about Data training his cat)
Data: Unfortunately, I have been less than successful.
Geordi Laforge: I've got an idea. How about a phaser? A low-stun setting at just the right moment might do the trick.
Data: Geordi, I cannot stun my cat.
Geordi Laforge: I was kidding, Data.

Worf: The Tactical and Conn Officer in season 1, and Chief of Security and Tactical Officer for seasons 2 to 7 is a Klingon who was raised by humans, Sergey and Helena Rozhenko, on the planet Gault. His name is "Worf, son of Mogh". Like all Klingons he is obsessed with honor and is courageous and proud. Despite his conflicts over being a Klingon among human and other Federation cultures, he remains loyal to the Federation and its ideals. And he has the respect of the Klingon people due to his defeat of the late Chancellor Gowron in a bat'leth fight. Worf has Klingon and human love interests, marries Jadzia Dax and in 1995 joined the cast of STAR TREK: Deep Space Nine. Worf is played by Michael Dorn.

Data: If the warp drive fails to activate, the results could be... unfortunate.
Worf: Very unfortunate. We will be dead.

Beverly Crusher: The Chief Medical Officer for seasons 1 and 3 to 7 is played by Gates McFadden. She is intelligent, passionate, caring, sensitive, conscientious, ethical, considerate, with a strong will and sense of justice. She is missing from season 2 because of a stage work commitment, and the Star Trek explanation is Crusher was head of Starfleet Medical from 2365 to 2366. Dr. Crusher was married to Jack Crusher who died in an accident on the Stargazer when her son Wesley was 5 years old.

Picard: What is wrong with me ?
Crusher: I wish the hell I knew, Captain. But something unusual has definitely been happening to you.
Picard: Why do doctors always say the obvious as if it's a revelation?
Crusher: Why do captains always act like they are immortal ?

Deanna Troi: The Ship's Counselor is half-Betazoid and half-human. She has some telepathic powers, primarily the ability to sense emotions. Technically she is an extra-sensory empath with clairsentience. Mainly she helps crew members in emotional distress and gives Picard information about the true emotions of others. In "The Loss" (episode 84) her emotions range from anger to fear to helplessness when deprived of her empathic ability by nonsentient two-dimensional lifeforms, becoming the so-called "patient from hell." Dessert is her favorite part of a meal, and one of her favorites is chocolate. Riker is her main love interest, but there are others including Worf. Troi is played by Marina Sirtis as a cheerful, confident, over-emotional busybody who is incapable of minding her own business.

Troi: I sense that you're angry with someone.
Worf: I do not know what you are talking about.
Troi: You're angry with K'Ehleyr because she died and she left you with a son that you didn't know you had.

Wesley Crusher: The teenage son of Dr. Crusher is Conn Officer, an "acting ensign", in seasons 1 to 4. He was given the position by the child-hating Picard because of Wesley's great intelligence. But there is rarely any evidence that he is anything special, he's just a normal teenager. Wesley admitted being afraid of lightning storms and Bulgallian rats, but his greatest fear is whether he would be able to choose among lives in a no-win situation, a choice that led to his father's death. He is a geek with some appeal to young viewers, but is generally disliked by most Star Trek fans. Will Wheaton plays the character.

Wesley Crusher: He wants the impossible.
Geordi Laforge: That's the short definition of "Captain".

Tasha Yar: The Chief of Security and Tactical Officer in Season 1 is human. She is of Ukranian descent, born on Turkana IV, and is killed by Armus on Vagra II in the episode "Skin of Evil". Tasha is played by Denise Crosby as sympathetic, proficient, competent, cool, but somewhat emotional at times. Trained in martial arts and athletics, her favorite pastimes are aikido and Parrises squares, and she participated in ship-board competitions. Having grown up hardened to sentimentality, Tasha usually finds it difficult to express her femininity.

Yar: It is so frustrating to be controlled like this.
Picard: Lieutenant. Tasha, it's all right.
Yar: What in the hell am I doing, crying?
Picard: Don't worry, there's a new ship's standing order on the bridge. When one is in the penalty box, tears are permitted.

Dr. Katherine Pulaski: The Chief Medical Officer for Season 2 is played by Diana Muldaur, who appears in 2 episodes of the original series. Although a regular character, she is always listed in the credits as "Special Guest Star". Pulaski was originally on the USS Repulse. She is fairly traditional, distrusts transporters and androids, and is outgoing, stubborn, brusque, high-spirited, courageous, with a cool bedside manner. Pulaski had been married and divorced three times by the time she joined the Enterpirse crew in 2365.

(Dr. Pulaski complains to Deanna about not getting along with Captain Picard)
Pulaski: He has such a consuming dedication to his ship, he doesn't seem to be able to step back to see the human side of the equation.
(Deanna smiles)
Pulaski: What's the matter?
Troi: Kate--I don't think he'd be where he is if he couldn't see the human side of the equation. Perhaps the two of you aren't all that different.

Miles O'Brien: The Transporter Chief who also does Helm and Tactical work for Seasons 1 to 6 is a non-commissioned officer. He was born in Ireland, is pragmatic, and has a wife and children. O'Brien is often made to suffer on the show, because the producers felt the audience would easily empathize with him. He moved to another TV show, STAR TREK: Deep Space Nine. O'Brien is played by Colm Meaney, who was born in Dublin, Ireland. While filming the episode "The Wounded", there is a scene of O'Brien serving Keiko steak and potatoes for dinner. The potatoes had to get from the spoon to the plate easily, while he continued with the dialogue, moved around, etc. After many takes, it worked, except one small piece of potato bounced off the plate and onto the table. So, Meaney improvised, and quickly popped it in his mouth.
Director: "Cut!"
Meaney: "What was wrong with that?"
Director: "Well, you popped that potato in your mouth."
Meaney: "Yeah, so?"
Director: "Well, you can't do that--see, this is a self-cleaning ship."
Meaney: "I got to it first."

Miles O'Brien: Those are Klingon pain sticks. I once saw one of them used against a two ton Rectyne Monopod. Poor creature jumped five meters at the slightest touch; finally died from excessive cephalic pressures.
Wesley Crusher: You mean...?
Miles O'Brien: That's right. The animal's head exploded like...
Doctor Pulaski: I think that's enough, Chief O'Brien.

Keiko O'Brien: The Botanist in Seasons 4 and 5 is Japanese, married Miles O'Brien, and eventually moved to STAR TREK: Deep Space Nine with him. Her daughters are Molly and Kirayoshi. Keiko is intelligent and committed to her family and career. In 2375, upon the end of the Dominion War in STAR TREK: DS9, Keiko, Molly and Yoshi move to Earth when Miles takes a job as instructor at Starfleet Academy. Keiko is played by Rosalind Chao.

Keiko O'Brien: (during a crisis) I'm going into labor.
Lieutenant Worf: You cannot. This is not a good time, Keiko.
Keiko O'Brien: It's not open for debate. Like it or not, this baby is coming.

Guinan: The Bartender in Season 2 to 6 is a mysterious wise El-Aurian ("Listener") and often gives advice to Picard and other crew members. Guinan is between 500 and 700 years old, has been married 23 times, and borne many children. Apparently she has hidden powers she chooses not to display. She has spoken of "serious trouble" that she escaped thanks to the trust of Picard. In return, he once said, "Guinan is very selective about whom she calls a friend." Guinan is played by Whoppi Goldberg, who asked the producers of TNG for a part in the show because of her fondness for the Uhura character in the original franchise.

Wesley: I'm never gonna feel this way about anyone else.
Guinan: You're right.
Wesley: I didn't expect you to say that.
Guinan: There'll be others. But every time you feel love, it'll be different. Every time it's different.
Wesley: Knowing that doesn't make it any easier.
Guinan: It's not supposed to.

Lwaxana Troi: The Ambassador from Betazed and voice of the computer for seasons 1 to 7 is the mother of Deanna Troi. Her complete title is "Lwaxana Troi, Daughter of the Fifth House, Holder of the Sacred Chalice of Rixx, Heir to the Holy Rings of Betazed". This mostly unappealing character is played by Majel Barrett, wife of Gene Roddenberry, and Nurse Christine Chapel in the original series. She is larger than life, exuberant, loud, flashy, flaky, eccentric, arrogant, and has telepathic abilities.

(after Picard rescues Lwaxana from Daimon Tog)
Lwaxana: Thank you, Jean-Luc. You were most convincing. (purring) You certainly convinced me.
Picard: Mrs. Troi, I'm truly grateful that you risked your life for my people. I'll have you home within hours.
Lwaxana: (provocative tone) Really, that isn't necessary, Captain. I'd love to hear more of that poetry...
Picard: (disentangles himself from Lwaxana) Perhaps another time.
(offers her the captain's chair and walks up to Wesley Crusher)
Picard: Mister Crusher, set course for Betazed. (low voice) Warp Nine.
(Wesley grins and sets the coordinates)

Reg Barclay: The Diagnostic Technician and Systems Engineer in seasons 3 to 7 is a nervous human played by Dwight Schultz. He lacks confidence, has a transporter phobia, is a social misfit, but is a very human and sympathetic character. Barclay has a tendency to spend more time inside the holodeck than in real social situations. He has a crush on Deanna Troi and an inferiority complex about Will Riker.

(after Barclay has managed to raise the shield strength by 300%)

Riker: Mr. Barclay! Everyone's still trying to figure out how you did it.
Barclay: Well, it...it just occurred to me that I could set up a frequency harmonic between the deflector and the shield grid, using the warp field generator as a power flow anti-attenuator, and that, of course, naturally created an amplification of the inherent energy output.
Riker: (clueless) U-huh, I see that...

Q: The immortal creature played by John de Lancy comes aboard the Enterprise now and then to test humanity with silly and often deadly dangerous games. In a way he is like Data, trying to understand the complexity of humanity. He is omnipotent, petulant, mischievous, annoying, mercurial, supremely arrogant, boastful, and unappealing. Q belongs to the Q Continuum, and is a popular recurring character because of his comedic and dramatic chemistry with Picard. He is derived from the "Trelene" character in the original series' episode "The Squire of Gothos". In the TNG eipisode "Deja Q", they had problems filming John DeLancie's nude scene. The director had him in a jockstrap, but couldn't film around the indentations it made in his skin because of the camera's perspective. Finally, he told everyone who was offended by nudity to leave the set, dropped the jock strap, and got the scene in one take. The scene was filmed at 7 am, and the mariachi band scene at midnight.

Q: Temper, temper, Captain.
Picard: Get off my ship.
Q: I do so only because it suits me. But I cannot promise not to appear again.
Q: Humans. I'd have thought by now you would have scampered back to your own little star system.

Q: Jean-Luc, it's wonderful to see you again. How about a big hug?
(puts his feet up on Picard's desk)
Q: Well don't just stand there. Say something.
Picard: Get out of my chair.

There are many other characters, and guest appearances by: DeForrest Kelley, Leonard Nimoy, James Doohan, Mark Lenard, Stephen Hawking, Ray Walston, Kelsey Grammer, Bebe Neuwirth, Tim Russ, Famke Janssen, Kirsten Dunst, Teri Hatcher, Ashley Judd, David Warner, Ronny Cox, Terry O'Quinn, Paul Winfield, John Tesh, Joe Piscopo, William O. Campbell, Bob Gunton, Carel Struycken, James Cromwell, Walter Gotell, Ben Vereen, Madge Sinclair, Tony Todd, Tom Jackson, Tony Jay, Norman Lloyd, Corbin Bersen, Jean Simmons, Stephen Root, and Mick Fleetwood.

There were 24 directors, most notably Cliff Bole, Les Landau, Winrich Kolbe, Rob Bowman, and Robert Scheerer. Gene Roddenberry gets a writing credit for 176 episodes, but there were 45 writers, notably Ronald D. Moore (27) and Brannon Braga (20). There were 26 producers, most notably Rick Berman and Peter Lauritson. Music is credited to Dennis McCarthy (88 episodes), Ron Jones (42) and Jay Chattaway (42).

The show was shot on 35 mm film with Panavision cameras using Dolby Surround audio, and each epiode cost about $1,500,000 to produce (twice the projected budget). It has lavish production values, has made over $500,000,000 in syndication and merchandising, and is on the list of shows endorsed by the "Viewers for Quality Television". It is just as popular as the original in syndication, but can never surpass it because it merely follows its tradition. However, it is one of the few successful revivals on TV and one of the best TV series produced in the 1980's and 1990's.

BARBARELLA (1968) * * *

Jane Fonda stars as the 41st century sexy astronaut who travels in a pink space craft with an interior lined with fake fur. Barbarella is sent on a mission to disarm a weapon, because "the universe has been pacified for centuries". The President of Earth tells her, "Your mission, Barbarella--find Durand Durand."

On Lythion, planet 16 in the system Tau Ceti, Barbarella crash lands in the ice and forests of Weer, tunnels into the Labyrinth of the City of Night, then makes her way to SoGo. The city is evil, ruled by the sexy Great Tyrant (Anita Pallenberg).

Great Tyrant: "So, my pretty pretty. We meet again."

Barbarella: "You! The little one-eyed wench!"
Great Tyrant: "You have a good memory, pretty pretty. Yes, sometimes I like to go out among my people, be like them, ordinary, 'evil' as you call it. So, I'm your little one-eyed wench. I'm also the Great Tyrant."
Barbarella: "That's nice."
Great Tyrant: "It amuses me immensely. Now I believe you are interested in the whereabouts and welfare of a certain party, yes?"
Barbarella: "As a matter of fact I am. I'm here under the orders of the President of Earth, I'm looking for Durand Durand."
Great Tyrant: "I'm not talking of him. I'm speaking of the angel!"
Barbarella: "Pygar?"
Great Tyrant: "Yes, Pygar. He has escaped the labyrinth. Crime. He has destroyed twelve of my black guards. Crime. And he dares to deprive me of a pleasure unique in SoGo, an Earthling. Crime. Crime. You want your fine-feathered friend? Look, there he is."
Barbarella: "De-crucify the angel!"
Great Tyrant: "What?"
Barbarella: "De-crucify him or I'll melt your face!"

Barbarella: "I suppose you realize you saved my life."
Dildano: "A life without cause is a life without effect. Are you typical of Earth women?"
Barbarella: "I'm about average."
Dildano: "The password will be: Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch."

Durand Durand: "I'll do things to you that are beyond all known philosophies!"

In bizarre SoGo, Barbarella has many strange adventures and lots of non-explicit sex. Barbarella is accustomed to sex with pills, and tells a suitor, "Make love? But no one's done that for centuries." Many sci-fi intellectuals object to Fonda being a "sex object". Not me. It's one of my favorite films, and I've seen it dozens of times. What I like is that it's "so 60's it hurts" and it has a strong element of fantasy. Serious Science Fiction fans believe sci-fi is simply a view of the future. No. Sci-fi is fiction with a scientific basis. It does not have to deal with the future and fantasy is important because it is foolish to imagine that our present model of science will not change.

BARBARELLA is derived from a racy French comic strip. The movie is very colourful, inventive, and with tongue-in-cheek humour. The great sound track is unfortunately mono. Pop band Duran Duran supposedly took their name from one of the characters. No. His name is actually Durand Durand. And although Barbarella spurns the advances of the Great Tyrant in the movie, a lesbian love scene was filmed but not used. Still, we do hear delicious dialogue from Pallenberg such as: "You're very pretty pretty. Would you like to come and play with me? For someone like you I charge nothing."

When BARBARELLA was released it was a critical and box office failure. However, it has since become a major cult movie, especially on home video. The film is very influential in the pop music world. Duran Duran, Fuzzbox, Kylie Minogue, Jamiroquai, Scott Weiland, Matmos, Prince, and others have paid tribute to BARBARELLA.

Soundtrack songs were written by Bob Crewe and Charles Fox. They are: "Barbarella", "Drag Me Down", "Love Theme from Barbarella", "I Love All the Love in You", "The Black Queen's Beads", and "An Angel is Love". Others in the cast include: John Phillip Law (Pygar), Milo O'Shea (Durand Durand), Marcel Marceau (Professor Ping), Claude Dauphin (President of Earth), Serge Marquand (Captain Sun), Veronique Vendell (Captain Moon), Catherine Chevallier (Stomoxys), David Hemmings (Dildano), Ugo Tognazzi (Mark Hand), Lina Maryan (Gara Granda), Antonio Sabato (Jean Paul), and many others. Anita Pallenberg's lines were dubbed in by Joan Greenwood. Marcel Marceau's lines are dubbed in. Jane Fonda performs her own lines in both the English and French versions.

The Barbarella comic was created by Jean-Claude Forest. Writing credits are Claude Brule, Terry Southern, Roger Vadim, Vittorio Bonicelli, Clement Biddle Wood, Brian Degas, Tudor Gates, and Jean-Claude Forest. Music was composed by Michel Magne and James Campbell. Roger Vadim, who was married to Jane Fonda at the time, directed.

Like other movies I watch frequently, BARBARELLA is "ambient TV" for me now. That is, I talk on the phone, write a letter, etc. while the sound track provides ambience. I hear everything but don't see the entire film.

GALAXINA (1980) * * 1/2

In the year 3008, Captain Cornelius Butt (Avery Schreiber) runs the police space cruiser Infinity. He and his crew are given orders to travel to distant Altair 1 to recover a mysterious crystal, the Blue Star, that has unlimited power.

Before the trip, they visit an outer space brothel filled with bizarre and mostly repulsive aliens. The crew sing, "Porno, porno, porno patrol. Here comes the porno patrol" Captain Butt consumes a raw egg that he regurgitates and a rubber creature is born that later calls him "mommy".

Captain Butt: "If a jackass had both your brains, he'd be a very dumb jackass!"
The crew go into cryochambers and suspended animation for the 30 year journey to Altair 1. Galaxina (Dorothy Stratten), a beautiful robot, is left in charge of the ship and she upgrades herself and becomes more human. When the crew thaw out, handsome pilot Sgt. Thor (Stephen Macht) falls in love with her. Galaxina's lover calls her "Bunnyfluff".

TV Commercial: "Do you have a drinking problem? Then come on down to Happy Hour Spirits! We've got all the booze you need!"

Galaxina visits a Western town on Altair 1 to find Frank Future and the Blue Star. The old "Batmobile" from the Batman TV series is parked on the street. She visits a "Human Restaurant" (humans are on the menu) run by Mr. Spot (David A. Cox), a funny Spock impersonator. Galaxina asks him the whereabouts of Frank Future. Mr. Spot can't remember if he was baked or poached, but says, "He was delicious."

Mr. Spot gives Galaxina permission to go upstairs, where she has an unpleasant encounter with Ordric (Ronald Knight), a Darth Vader clone. Next she is captured by the descendants of a motorcyle gang who worship Harley David Son. Eventually she escapes and returns to the Infinity. The movie ends somewhat abruptly, although Captain Butt's voice-over commentary during the end credits creates a satisfying conclusion.

Also in the cast are: J. D. Hinton (Pvt. Robert "Buzz" McHenry), Lionel Mark Smith (Maurice), Tad Horino (Sam Wo), Herb Kaplowitz (Rock Eater), Aesop Aquarian (Chopper), Angelo Rossito (egg creature), Nancy McCauley (Elexia), Fred D. Scott (Commander Garrity), Peter Schrum (Fat Daddy), Susan Kiger (Blue Girl), Marily Joi (Winged Girl), Rhonda Shear (Robot/mime), Bartine Burkett (Whistler's Mother), Jacqueline Jacobs (Tasty Dish), Michael D. Castle (Horn Man), Herb Kaplowitz, Aesop Qquarian, Angelo Rossitto, Nancy McCauley, Fred Scott, David Cox, Peter Schrum, Susan Kiger, Milyn Joi, Rhonda Shear, Hugh Warden, Frank Ferro, and many others. Arlon Ober was music supervisor. William Sachs wrote the script and directed.

GALAXINA is a Sci-Fi space spoof with obvious references to STAR TREK, STAR WARS and ALIEN. Many of the sound effects are stolen from BATTLESTAR GALACTICA (1979) and the STAR TREK (1966) TV series. It's fairly low-budget, but looks reasonably good.

Film critics do not like it at all. However, looking in 7 movie review books and 23 internet entries, almost none of the critics offer a proper synopsis of the plot. Therefore, I suspect few of them actually watched the movie. For your interest, these critics write GALAXINA is "cheap", features "non-acting" and has a "boring scenario". The few who include a synopsis, gleefully go completely overboard in their criticisms. They "protest too much, methinks", and are unfair scumbags with zero credibility.

I've seen it about 20 times, and though it's no match for BARBARELLA (1968), I like it very much. It's quite amusing, and the only thing I don't like is the mean-spirited personality of Captain Cornelius Butt. Avery Schreiber can be very funny, but the script written by director William Sachs portrays him as stupid with funny lines that often don't work very well.

This was the last film of Dorothy Stratten, the gorgeous 20-year-old Playboy Playmate of the Year. Shortly after GALAXINA was released, she was brutally murdered by her estranged husband. Dorothy Stratten's story is told in Bob Fosse's last film STAR 80 (1983), and also in the TV movie DEATH OF A CENTERFOLD: THE DOROTHY STRATTEN STORY (1981). I have the documentary DOROTHY STRATTEN: THE UNTOLD STORY (1985) by Playboy/Warner. It's not listed in any movie review books, but it's quite good.

Dorothy Stratten's other films are: AUTUMN BORN (1979), AMERICATHON (1979), SKATETOWN, USA (1979), FANTASY ISLAND (1979), BUCK ROGERS IN THE 25TH CENTURY (1979), and THEY ALL LAUGHED (1981). Here are some of her personal quotes:

"If someone's going to talk about me, I'd want it to be positively. The way many write, you'd think only bad things were interesting. If we don't think positive, what's the use? It's a lot more fun, you know."

"I can honestly, and proudly, say that I never was on the casting couch. Oh, of course there have been advances from certain men in the movie industry, but nothing overwhelming. I never had any qualms about posing nude. The human body was always an attractive figure to me, that is, if it was in healthy shape, and young. I think I had a more European outlook about the body and sex. The body is in no way dirty, and sex is something beautiful to give to and share with a lover. It has nothing to do with promiscuity, because I only believe in being in love with one man at a time."

"I never claimed to have any extraordinary talent, just maybe extraordinary curiosity. I can learn, I am learning, and I hope to become a proficient, eventually a good, actress. Several have made the transition from a sex symbol to being taken seriously - that's something I really yearn for."

FREDDY GOT FINGERED (2001) * * 1/2

Gordon Brody (Tom Green) is an aspiring cartoonist living at home with father Jim (Rip Torn), mother Julie (Julie Hagerty) and younger brother Freddy (Eddy Kaye Thomas) in Portland, Orgegon. He leaves for Hollywood to find success as an animator. Along the way he passes a stud farm and stops to play with a horse's penis, and is quite excited to be a "farmer" for the first time.

In Hollywood, studio mogul Dave Davidson (Anothony Michael Hall) tells him his cartoons need more work and rethinking. Gord moves back home, where he is treated badly by his father. The family is interrogated by a psychiatrist (Lorena Gale) and Gord fabricates a story about his father sexually molesting his brother in the basement. This is the source of the film's title. Gord neglects to mention that Freddy is 25, so father is taken away and Gord now has the house to himself.

Gord falls in love with beautiful nymphomaniac Betty (Marisa Coughlan), who is a nurse and amateur rocket scientist confined to a wheelchair. She loves giving oral sex to Gord and having her paralyzed legs beaten with a cane. As for Gord, he goes scuba diving in a toilet, plays an organ with sausages, swings a newborn baby around by its umbilical cord, licks a wound with bone protruding through the skin, and wears the carcass of a dead deer.

Julie: "Gordie, sit down. We're having roast beef."
Gord: "Why do you guys always have roast beef?"
Jim: "Boo-hoo. Little Lord Fauntleroy's tummy hurts because there's too much roast beef in it."
Gord: "It's just boring. I'm eating a chicken sandwich."
Jim: "No, you're not!"
Gord: "This is crazy. I'm a 28-year-old man, I should be able to eat a chicken sandwich if I want."
Jim: "He's 28 years old and he can eat a chicken sandwich. Very Impressive. Mike Fitzgibbon's son is a nuclear physicist, and my son can eat a chicken."
(grabs chicken sandwich and throws it to the dogs)
Julie: "Jim, no!"
Jim: "You can either eat that goddamn roast beef, or you can go to bed."

Soon Gord creates a brilliant animated series "Zebras in America" based on his family that becomes a success. He is paid $1,000,000. With the money he rents a helicopter to apologize to Betty and gives her $150,000 worth of jewels. She says, "But Gord, I don't care about jewels, I just want to suck your c**k." Next he spends $750,000 to move his father's bedroom to Pakistan. They have some adventures, which include Gord playing with the penis of an elephant. Father and son return to America.

When the film was released, there was a magazine headline "Has Tom Green Gone Too Far?" FREDDY GOT FINGERED was unanimously panned by all critics. Some even gave it an unprecedented "negative one star out of five stars". Here are typical comments: "The worst piece of cinematic crap I have experienced"; "doesn't scrape the bottom of the barrel, doesn't deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence with barrels"; and "quite simply the worst movie ever released by a major studio in Hollywood history". However, A. O. Scott of the New York Times compared it to conceptual performance art.

This movie won the Worst Film award in five categories at the 2001 Golden Raspberry Awards. The film won (drum roll, please): Worst Picture, Worst Screenplay, Worst Actor, Worst Director, and Worst Couple. Tom Green showed up in a tux at the ceremony to accept the awards, the first winner to ever do so. He brought along his own red carpet.

Others in the cast include: Harland Williams (Darren), Jackson Davies (Mr. Malloy), Connor Widdows (Andy Malloy), R. Nelson Brown (Larry), Shaquille O'Neal (Shaquille), Charles Buettner (Rupert), Joe Flaherty (William), Stephen E. Miller (Ernie), Cliff Solomon (Big Bear), Stephen Tobolowsky (Uncle Neil), and many others. The script was written by Tom Green and Derek Harvie. Original music is by Mike Simpson. Tom Green directed.

FREDDY GOT FINGERED is a very brave and original exercise in extremely bad taste. It has pushed the boundaries of what a mainstream movie can get away with. There is much profanity (including well over 50 uses of "f***"), horse and elephant erections, Rip Torn's bare buttocks, lots of blood and guts, violence, anti-social/criminal behavior, and creative shock and gross out jokes. Where else can you find such outrageous entertainment?

TOM GREEN MTO SHOW uncensored (2002) * *

Last week I bought "MTV's Tom Green Show uncensored" to add to my Green collection. The packaging is misleading because it is about 70% "making of" and the rest is terrific Tom Green lunacy. Furthermore, all foul language is "beeped" out and some things are hidden with digital distortion. That is not my idea of "uncensored".

The video starts off well. My favorite part is Tom Green interviewing people on the street. He is serious and straight-faced with a pro camera crew. Green holds the microphone and gradually moves it closer to people's faces, then starts rubbing it on their skin like it's an electric razor.

Next he puts a lump of dog turd on the mic and holds it under people's noses. They just keep on talking!

Finally he uses dildoes and vibrators as mics. The people keep on talking, even when he rubs the vibrator on their faces. With one old geezer, flattered to be interviewed, he shoves a dildo in his mouth repeatedly, and the man keeps talking!

In KENTUCKY FRIED MOVIE (1977) there is a funny scene using microphones in a TV studio interview setting. It's quite different from what Tom Green does live on the street, but perhaps it was the "inspiration" for him.

The "making of" or "behind the scenes" parts are a total bore, with Tom Green completely absent. His boring producer, boring camera man, and other bores do their best to bore us with information we don't want to hear.

The "MTV Tom Green Subway Monkey Hour" (filmed in Tokyo) and his many TV shows done in Canada are much better. And let's not forget ROAD TRIP (2000), STEALING HARVARD (2002), and FREDDY GOT FINGERED (2001). The latter movie won the "worst movie" award, and Green showed up in a tux at the ceremony to accept the award. Bravo!

CHRISTMAS WITH THE KRANKS (2004) * * 1/2

CHRISTMAS WITH THE KRANKS is based on John Grisham's best-selling novel, "Skipping Christmas". The title was changed to avoid confusion with SURVIVING CHRISTMAS, which was released the same year. This film is Tim Allen's fourth Christmas movie to date.

Luther Krank (Tim Allen) estimates that Christmas costs him $6,000, so he convinces his wife Nora (Jamie Lee Curtis) to skip Christmas and take a Caribbean cruise instead. It's an all or nothing decision: there will be absolutely no Christmas for the Kranks

Their friends, neighbours and associates react with extreme disapproval. Luther Krank becomes increasingly Scrooge-like. For example, when a religious group comes singing Christmas carols at his door, Luther considers them to be "trespassers". Spike Frohmeyer says, "You're skipping Christmas! Isn't that against the law?"

Then teen-age daughter Blair (Julie Gonzalo) phones to announce she'll be coming home for Christmas. Luther and Nora abruptly change their plans and celebrate the holiday season after all. The second half of the film is more like what you'd expect from a Christmas movie.

Nora: "You forgot the white chocolate."
Luther: "They didn't have any."
Nora: "Did you talk to Rex?"
Luther: "Who's Rex?"
Nora: "The butcher."
Luther: "As odd as it sounds, I didn't think to ask the butcher where the chocolate was!"

(last lines)
Luther: "Skipping Christmas. What a stupid idea."
Nora: "Maybe next year."

Also in the cast are: Dan Aykroyd (Vic Frohmeyer), M. Emmett Walsh (Walt Scheel), Elizabeth Franz (Bev Scheel), Eric Per Sullivan (Spike Frohmeyer), Cheeh Marin (Officer Salino), Jake Busey (Officer Treen), Austin Pendleton (Marty), Tom Poston (Father Zabriskie), Rene Levan (Enrique DeCardenal), Caroline Rhea (Candi), Felicity Huffman (Merry), Patrick Breen (Aubie), John Short (Ned Becker), Bonita Friedericy (Jude Becker), David Hornsby (Randy Becker), Kevin Chamberlain (Mr. Scanlon), Lyndon Smith (Randy Scanlon), Ryan Pfening (Gus Scanlon), Mark Christopher Lawrence (Wes Trodgen), Rachel L. Smith (Trish Trodgen), Vernee Watson-Johnson (Dox), Arden Myrin (Daisy), Dava Hulsey (Amanda Frohmeyer), and many others. Chris Columbus wrote the script from John Grisham's novel. Music is by John Debney and Paul Morabito. Joe Roth directed.

Looking at the internet entries, film critics generally do not like this film. Ordinary viewers' opinions vary tremendously. Some give it one star, some give it five stars, and most are in-between.

I watched it last night on DVD for the first time. The picture quality was great and I liked having the choice between wide-screen and full-screen formats (I chose full-screen). Like most DVDs the sound level was too low with too much dynamic range, so I was constantly adjusting the volume on my surround sound system.

CHRISTMAS WITH THE KRANKS was amusing and always held my interest. It was good to see Dan Aykroyd and Cheech Marin. However, the film seemed mediocre and just another Christmas "product". I was turned off by the premise that it's best to conform to the expectations of others, but I liked that it stressed the importance of family, friends, and neighbours.

MARILYN: Portrait of a Legend (1992) * * 1/2

Who murdered Marilyn Monroe? Yesterday I watched the documentary "MARILYN: Portrait of a Legend". It is better than my other documentaries on her, which show the same photos and film clips and re-hash the same "official" biographical information. The only exception is MARILYN & THE KENNEDYS (1988), which explains the 25 year cover-up of Marilyn's murder.

MARILYN starts by mentioning she was illegitimate, dispels some of the myths about her, and shows photos of her I've never seen before. Some film clips from her early career were also new to me, and her performance at JFK's birthday party is shown in its entirety. Elton John's lovely "Candle in the Wind" plays throughout the film.

The last part is the most shocking. Robert Slatzer, the writer, film director, close friend & advisor, and former husband to Marilyn Monroe carefully explains that Marilyn was murdered by the CIA because of her affairs with John and Robert Kennedy.

At the time of her death, Marilyn was happy. She had been re-hired to finish "Something's Got To Give" and told all her friends about her optimistic plans for the future.

Marilyn also scheduled a press conference to tell the world about her affairs with the Kennedys. Deadly mistake. Robert Kennedy secretly (with many witnesses) met with Marilyn the night of her murder. Jimmy Hoffa bugged her home and there is an audio tape of a violent argument between Marilyn and Robert at 10:30 pm, August 4, 1962.

Comatose, but still alive, Marilyn was taken to Santa Monica Hospital. She died sometime between 10:30 pm and midnight, then her body was returned to her home and arranged as a suicide. Police could find NO fingerprints whatsoever anywhere in her home. The CIA had done a thorough clean-up.

An autopsy revealed that she had died of a drug overdose, but there was no trace of medication in her digestive system. She had been injected with enough Nembutal to kill 10 people or 3 horses.

There was no Coroner's Inquest. For years Robert Slatzer and others worked to have her murder investigated. Finally a Grand Jury Inquiry was approved, but the District Attorney fired the Foreman. This was unprecedented in California legal history. There is no statute of limitations for murder. When the documentary was made, 7 people knew exactly what happened to Marilyn Monroe on 08/04/62. None have ever testified under oath.

Rest In Peace, Marilyn. "And it seems to me you lived your life like a candle in the wind, never knowing who to cling to when the rain set in."

SPACEBALLS (1987) * * 2/3

SPACEBALLS begins with an opening crawl stolen from STAR WARS (1977) which George Lucas stole from the FLASH GORDON (1930's) serials. It ends with, "If you can read this, you don't need glasses" in tiny letters.

On Planet Druidia, Princess Vespa (Daphne Zuniga) is about to marry Prince Valium (JM J. Bullock). He is insufferably boring, but is the last known prince in the galaxy so she has no choice. Vespa suddenly gets cold feet at the altar and escapes with her robot Dot Matrix (Lorene Yarnell/Joan Rivers) into outer space.

On neighbouring planet Spaceball there is a shortage of air. President Skroob (Mel Brooks) and his top military leader Dark Helmet (Rick Moranis) plan to steal Druidia's air by kidnapping and ransoming Princess Vespa. If Druidia does not cooperate, Spaceball will reverse Vespa's nose job.

Vespa's father King Roland (Dick Van Patten) hires Captain Lone Starr (Bill Pullman) from the Ford Galaxy and Barfolomew (John Candy) to rescue the princess. Barfolomew or Barf is a "mawg", half dog and half man. He and Lone Starr are desperate for money to pay back a debt to Pizza the Hutt (Dom DeLuise), a large pizza lifeform and mafia boss.

Barfolomew: "I know we need the money, but..."
Lone Starr: "Listen. We're not just doing this for money. We're doing it for a s**t load of money."
Barfolomew: "Oh, you're right. And when you're right, you're right. And you - you're always right."
Lone Starr: "Barf! Barf! Barf!"
Barfolomew: "Always when I'm eating"

Lone Starr and Barf are helped by the wise alien Yoghurt (Mel Brooks) and his awesome power "The Schwartz". Dark Helmet and Lone Starr have a duel with energy beams emanating from their Schwartz rings. In the movie "Schwartz" has phallic connotations, and during the duel the Schwartz beams are clearly phallic images. Dark Helmet says, "You have the ring, and I see your Schwartz is as big as mine...now let's see how well you handle it."

Zircon: "Shall I have Snotty beam you down, sir?"
Skroob: "I don't know about this beaming stuff? Is it safe?"
Zircon: "Oh yes, sir. Snotty beamed me twice last night. It was wonderful."

Eventually Lone Starr and Barf rescue Vespa, destroy Spaceball's spaceship, and restore Druidia's air supply. And it turns out that Lone Starr is actually a prince so he marries Princess Vespa. Pizza the Hutt gets trapped in his car and eats himself to death. Dark Helmet and his crew survive a crash-landing on "Planet of the Apes".

SPACEBALLS is the best spoof and parody of STAR WARS ever, and it also has references to STAR TREK, ALIEN, WIZARD OF OZ, and PLANET OF THE APES. The movie is a sci-fi comedy classic, one of Mel Brooks' best. It is cheerfully funny and withstands repeated viewings fairly well. John Morris' musical score is also an excellent spoof of the genre.

However, the movie is crude, crass, obvious, tame, tentative, somewhat disappointing, and the actors are more amused by their own antics than the audience. Basically it's a collection of verbal and visual jokes and one-liners. There are enough funny moments to make it enjoyable, but some of the attempts at humour don't work very well. STAR WARS has been lampooned to death, and this film is most suitable for fans of sci-fi and Mel Brooks.

Others in the cast include: George Wyner (Colnel Sandurz), John Hurt (Kane), Leslie Bevis (Commanderette Zircon), Jim Jackman (Major Asshole), Mike Pniewski (Laser Gunner), Sandy Helberg (Dr. Schlotkin), Denise Gallup (Charlene), Dian Gallup (Marlene), Rudy De Luca (Vinnie), Ed Gale (Dink), Brenda Strong (Gretchen), and many others. The script was written by Mel Brooks, Thomas Meehan, and Ronny Graham. Music was composed by John Morris. Mel Brooks directed.

STAR WARS (1977) * * * *

Not so long ago, in a Hollywood not so far, far away, young Lucas Filmmaker wanted to make the first STAR TREK movie. The bosses at Paramount Studios said "NO!".

Undetterred, Lucas decided to make his own version of Star Trek. George Lucas claims to have an IQ of 94, so he aimed his movie at 14 year olds and younger. For inspiration he looked to the same source as Star Trek, which is FLASH GORDON. Although the late Gene Roddenberry claimed "Horation Hornblower" was his model for Star Trek, it was very obviously the 1930's FLASH GORDON serials. I don't know who is the biggest bulls**tter, Roddenberry or Lucas.

Lucas ripped-off the opening crawl from FLASH GORDON, and spent his $11 million budget to make one of the best motion pictures in history. It tells the story of a young man (Mark Hamill) who becomes an interplanetary hero with the help of human and robot colleagues. The special effects are superb, and it won 7 Oscars for technical excellence.

When the movie was released and was a smash hit, Lucas suddenly decided to make it a "Trilogy", so STAR WARS became "STAR WARS Episode IV: A New Hope". He announced there would be three trilogies. What happened to the third trilogy? Lucas recently announced a STAR WARS TV series.

STAR WARS IV (usually abbreviated to "ANH" by fans) is set 19 years after the formation of the Galactic Empire. There is a civil war in the galaxy and a Death Star space station capable of destoying planets is developed. Princess Leia Organa (Carrie Fisher) a leader of the Rebel Alliance is captured and taken to the Death Star. She manages to entrust plans of the weapon to droid R2-D2 (Kenny Baker) and its partner C-3P0 (Anthony Daniels). The droids are captured by Jawas and sold to Owen Lars (Phil Brown) and his nephew Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill).

Princess Leia: (in a holo message) "General Kenobi: Years ago, you served my father in the Clone Wars. Now he begs you to help him in his struggle against the Empire. I regret that I am unable to present my father's request to you in person. But my ship has fallen under attack and I'm afraid my mission to Alderaan has failed. I've placed information vital to the survival of the rebellion into the memory systems of this R2 unit. My father will know how to retrieve it. You must see this droid safely delivered to him on Alderaan. This is our most desperate hour. Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope."

Luke Skywalker meeets Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi (Alec Guiness) on planet Tatooine. Luke's home is destroyed and Obi-Wan begins Luke's Jedi training to facilitate the rescue of Princess Leia. At Mos Eisley Spaceport he meets Han Solo (Harrison Ford) who transports the group on his ship Millennium Falcon. Grand Moff Tarkin (Peter Cushing) destroys Leia's home planet Alderaan. A tractor beam pulls the Falcon into the Death Star, Obi-Wan has a lightsaber duel with Darth Vader (David Prowse), and our heroes escape in the Falcon.

Han Solo: "Stay sharp. There's two more coming in. They'll try and cut us off."
Luke: "Why don't you outrun them? I thought you said this thing was fast."
Han Solo: "Watch your mouth kid, or you're gonna find yourself floating home. We'll be safe enough once we make the jump to hyperspace. Besides, I know a few maneuvers. We'll lose em'."
(the ship shudders as an explosion flashes outside the window)
Han Solo: "Here's where the fun begins!"
Obi-Wan: "How long before you can make the jump to light speed?"
Han Solo: "It'll take a few moments to get the coordinates from the navi-computer."
(the ship begins to rock violently as lasers hit it)
Luke: "Are you kidding? At the rate they're gaining..."
Han Solo: "Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy!"

Actually the Empire allowed the escape to track their ship to the Rebel Base on Yavin IV. There is a battle with squadrons of Rebel ships vs. the Death Star. Luke uses the Force to help destroy the Death Star with the help of Han Solo and Chewbacca (Peter Mayhew). In a ceremony at the Massassi Temple on Yavin IV, Luke and Han are awarded medals of valor by Princess Leia.

The cast also includes: Shelagh Fraser (Aunt Beru), Jack Purvis (Chief Jawa), Alex McCrindle (General Dodonna), Eddie Byrne (General Willard), Drewe Henley (Red Leader), DEnis Lawson (Red Two), Garrick Hagon (Red Three), Jack Klaff (Red Four), William Hootkins (Red Six), Angus MacInnes (Gold Leader), Jeremy Sinden (Gold Two), Graham Ashley (Gold Five), Don Henderson (General Taggi), Richard LeParmentier (General Motti), Mark Austin (Boba Fett), Janice Burchette (Nabrun Leids), Ted Burnett (Wuher), Barry Copping (Wioslea), Alfie Curtis (Dr. Evazan), Maria De Aragon (Greedo)<>

Although he had unabashedly ripped-off FLASH GORDON and STAR TREK, George Lucas actually sued BATTLESTAR: GALACTICA (1979) for ripping off STAR WARS. The greedy idiot lost, of course.

The second STAR WARS movie THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK (1980) is just as good, and has a different director (Irvin Kershner). The third, RETURN OF THE JEDI (1983) is not as good. Lucas tried to re-invent the Teddy Bear with the Ewoks (yech!), and the ending is terrible.

Starting in 1997, George Lucas souped-up the special effects on the three movies and added extra footage. He called them "Special Editions". It is virtually unprecedented for an artist to return to his finished works decades later and "improve" them.

In 1999 Lucas released THE PHANTOM MENACE. In 2002 he released ATTACK OF THE CLONES, and in 2005 THE REVENGE OF THE SITH. They differ from the first trilogy in the horrible use of computer generated cartoon characters and the over-use of digital special effects The characters and dialogue tend to be wooden and the films are inferior.

The first STAR WARS earned $798 million during its original theatrical release. The first five STAR WARS movies made over $3.5 billion. Let's not forget merchandising: George Lucas has raked in over $10 billion from STAR WARS toys and paraphernalia.

Star Trek NEMESIS (2002) * * *

Captain William T. Riker (Jonathan Frakes) and Counselor Deanna Troi-Riker (Marina Sirtis) get married in Alaska. The Enterpise is sent to the neutral zone near Romulan space and finds B-4, a prototype of Data. Then they meet Praetor Shinzon (Tom Hardy), a human cloned from Picard, who now rules Romulus. Captain Jean-Luc Picard (Patrick Stewart) is captured and Shinzon plans to destroy Earth.

(first lines)
Senator: "Senators, consider the opportunities for the Empire. At last, the destinies of the planets Romulus and Remus will be united. Shinzon of Remus is offering us a chance to make ourselves stronger than ever before. It would be madness to reject it. I beg you not to let prejudice or politics interfere with this Alliance. By joining Shinzon's forces with ours, not even the Federation will be able to stand in our way."

Shinzon: "You are me. The same noble Picard blood runs through our veins. Had you lived my life, you'd be doing exactly as I am... Look in the mirror and see yourself. Consider that, Captain... I can think of no greater torment for you."
Picard: "I'm a mirror for you as well."
Shinzon: "Not for long. I 'm afraid you won't survive to witness the victory of the echo... over the voice."
Picard: "Why am I here?"
Shinzon: "I was lonely. You're too slow, old man. My life is meaningless as long as you're still alive. What am I while you exist? A shadow? An echo?"

Android: "The B-4 is physically identical to me, although his neural pathways are not as advanced. But even if they were, he would not be me."
Picard: "How can you be sure?"
Android: "I aspire, sir. To be better than I am. The B-4 does not. Nor does Shinzon. (to B-4) I must deactivate you."
B-4: "For how long?"
Android: "Indefinitely."
B-4: "How long is tha...
Android: "A long time, brother."

Like the other Star Trek TNG movies, NEMESIS is just like the TV series, but with more expensive production values. It is the tenth Star Trek film. I watched the movie on DVD, widescreen of course, which I despise. Over 50% of the TV screen is black bars. With the zoom feature I was able to get a beautiful picture, almost full screen.

NEMESIS is basically a rehash of STAR TREK II: The Wrath Of Khan (1982), with Shinzon as a not very threatening version of Khan. Like the other TNG movies, it's a boring disappointment. There is an emphasis on action this time, but not much of a story, character development, intrigue, or excitement. It looks good, but it's just more of the same. We've seen all of this before.

The main problem with the Star Trek TNG cast is most characters are not charming, with the exceptions of Data, Worf, O'Brien and sometimes Riker. All of the cast members of the original franchise are very charming.

Another alarming problem with Star Trek is its bad habit of killing off major characters. Spock died, Kirk died, Sarek died, 3 Enterprises were destroyed, etc. In the original series only dispensable characters died. How can they continue the saga with all the major characters dead? If you haven't seen NEMESIS, I won't ruin it for you by revealing which major character kicks the bucket this time.

Picard is the most alien creature in Star Trek TNG. He looks the most peculiar and speaks like Hamlet in outer space. All other characters, even from distant galaxies, talk like they're from Chicago. I've never liked the Picard character, mainly because he is portrayed as the greatest creature in the universe. He literally buries Kirk in Star Trek GENERATIONS. Picard is pompous, uneducated (Patrick Stewart left school at age 15), ugly, and too old for the part. Bring back Shatner!

Others in the cast include: Brent Spiner (Data), LeVar Burton (Geordi La Forge), Michael Dorn (Worf), Dina Meyer (Commander Donatra), Jude Ciccolella (Commander Suran), Alan Dale (Praetor Hiren), Micheal Owen (Branson), Kate Mulgrew (Admiral Kathryn Janeway), Wil Wheaton (Wesley Crusher), Gates McFadden (Dr. Beverly Crusher), Whoopi Goldberg (Guinan), Bryan Singer (Kelly), and many others. The writing is credited to Rick Berman, Brent Spiner, and John Logan. Jerry Goldsmith composed the music. Stuart Baird directed.

NEMESIS is supposedly the last movie with the Star Trek TNG crew. A prequel is currently being filmed with a new cast.

STAR TREK - The Motion Picture (1979) * * * 1/2

The first STAR TREK movie is the best. It had the best budget ($46 million), best special effects, and best director by far, Robert Wise. The movie withstands repeated viewings best, the cast members from the original series are still relatively young, and it is the most faithful to the TV show. It is a Science Fiction masterpiece.

Rear Admiral Kirk (William Shatner) takes control of the new, improved Enterprise to combat a deadly force headed directly for Earth. Commander Spock (Leonard Nimoy) fails his Kolinahr initiation on Vulcan, senses the threat to Earth, then joins the rest of the crew on the Enterprise. Dr. McCoy (DeForest Kelley) is drafted and also is reluctantly reunited. Captain Willard Decker (Stephen Collins) is temporarily demoted and an over-sexed Deltan, Lieutenant Ilea (Persis Khambatta), beams aboard to join the crew as navigator.

Ilia: "I would never take advantage of a sexually immature species. You can assure him that's the truth, can't you? My oath of celibacy is on record, Captain."
Kirk: "Well, Bones. Do the new medical facilities meet with your approval?"
McCoy: "They do not. It's like working in a damn computer center."
Kirk: "Evaluation, Mr. Spock."
Spock: "Fascinating. It's life, Captain, but not life as we know it."
McCoy: "Spock, you haven't changed a bit. You're just as warm and sociable as ever."
Spock: "Nor have you, doctor, as your continued predilection for irrelevancy demonstrates."

The threat is called "V'ger", a gigantic space craft. When I first saw this movie in theatres I instantly recognized that "V'ger" was re-cycled from "Nomad", a machine probe in Episode 37 ("The Changeling") from the original TV series. This is the only thing I've ever disliked about this great movie.

Spock: "V'ger must evolve. Its knowledge has reached the limits of this universe and it must evolve. What it requires of its god, doctor, is the answer to its question: Is there nothing more?"
McCoy: "What more is there than the universe, Spock?"
Decker: "Other dimensions. Higher levels of being."
Spock: "The existence of which cannot be proven logically. Therefore, V'ger is incapable of believing in them."
Kirk: "What it needs in order to evolve... is a human quality. Our capacity to leap beyond logic."
Decker: "And joining with its creator might accomplish that."
McCoy: "You mean this machine wants to physically join with a human? Is that possible?"
Decker: "Let's find out."

(last lines)
DiFalco: "Heading, sir?"
Kirk: "Out there... thataway."

The cast also includes: James Doohan (Cmdr. Montgomery "Scotty" Scott), George Takei (Lt. Cmdr. Hikaru Sulu), Majel Barrett (Dr. Christine Chapel), Walter Koenig (Lt. Pavel Chekov), Nichelle Nichols (Lt. Cmdr. Uhura), Grace Lee Whitney (CPO Janice Rand), Mark Lenard (Klingon Captain), Billy Van Zandt (Alien boy), Roger Aaron Brown (Epsilon technician), Jon Rashad Kamal (Cmdr. Sonak), Marcy Lafferty (Chief DiFalco), Terrence O'Connor (Cheif Ross), Michael Rougas (Lt. Cleary), Susan O'Sullivan (Vice-Adm. Lori Ciana), and many others. Writing credits are Gene Roddenberry, Alan Dean Foster, Harold Livingston, and Leonard Nimoy. Music was composed by Jerry Goldsmith. Robert Wise directed.

Critics and some Trekkies do not like this film. Why? Just read reviews about why 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY is considered a magnificent, flawless masterpiece. Take these same superlatives about 2001's brilliance, turn them into negative criticisms, then dump them on STAR TREK--THE MOTION PICTURE. That's what is "wrong" with this film, it's similar to 2001 but superior. 2001 is boring, vacuous, unresolved, and pretentious in comparison. A good example of the idiocy of some reviewers is a complaint that the STAR TREK movie is too long at 132 minutes. The same review later claims that the 143 minute version is "an improvement". Can you believe it?

This film is not about action, it's an exploration of the philosophical relationship between logic and emotion. It has an excellent simple plot, suspense, good character development, terrific special effects, superb music, great cinematography, correct science, and a believable conflict. The wonderful production details cannot be appreciated in one viewing. Plus, the Enterprise environment is clean! Most modern sci-fi films have space ships that are dirty, grimy, unsanitary, gloomy, and depressing. I have to take a bath after watching over-rated filthy crap such as ALIEN (1979).

Theme music by Jerry Goldsmith was later appropriated by the Star Trek TNG TV series as its theme music. A little bit of Alexander Courage's theme music from the original TV series can be heard in the movie during Kirk's log entry.

The male actors hated the uniforms, which look good, but were very uncomfortable in the crotch area. Kirk and Spock both originally took the "Space Walk" to V'ger. James Doohan (Scotty) invented the Vulcan words uttered at the Kolinahr ceremony. Uhuru's communication earpiece is the only prop from the original TV series. This is the only STAR TREK movie where phasers are not fired.

Orson Welles narrates the trailer for the film and rightfully says, "It will startle your senses. Challenge your intellect. And change your perception of the future..by taking you there."

Yes, the movie is slow, plodding and talky with too many special effects, but that's what I like about it. This would definitely be my "desert island" movie, something I could watch every night and not tire of, because most of the time not much happens so I don't remember much the next time I watch it.

THE MALTESE FALCON (1941) * * * 1/2

Sam Spade (Humphrey Bogart) is a private detective in San Francisco whose partner Miles Archer (Jerome Cowan) is murdered while tailing a man. The woman who hired Archer is Miss Ruth Wonderly (Mary Astor) and is after the "Maltese Falcon", a gold-encrusted statue of a bird reputed to contain priceless jewels worth millions. Elegant Ruth Wonderly is a femme fatale whose real name is Mrs. Brigid O'Shaughnessy, although she also uses the alias Miss Leblanc. She is a treacherous liar and when she tells Spade, "I've been bad, worse than you could know", he replies, "You know, that's good, because if you actually were as innocent as you pretend to be, we'd never get anywhere."

There are more murders and the police suspect Spade, who in his investigation meets many strange and shady characters. Effeminate Joel Cairo (Peter Lorre) and fat, erudite Kasper Gutman (Sydney Greenstreet) are international scoundrels who also want the "black bird". Gutman drugs Spade and orders "gunsel" Wilmer (Elisha Cook Jr.) to kick and beat the unconscious detective. Sam Spade is caught in a maze of double crosses and back stabbing. No wonder he is cynical and hardboiled. He can be unscrupulous, but usually sticks to his own personal code of honour. His character marks the introduction of the morally ambiguous hero in movies, a preview of the modern antihero.

Bryan: "Who killed Thursby?"
Spade: "I don't know."
Bryan: "Perhaps you don't, but you could make an excellent guess."
Spade: "My guess might be excellent or it might be crummy, but Mrs. Spade didn't raise any children dippy enough to make guesses in front of a district attorney, and an assistant district attorney and a stenographer."
Bryan: "Why shouldn't you, if you have nothing to conceal?"
Spade: "Everybody has something to conceal."
Bryan: "I'm a sworn officer of the law, 24 hours a day, and neither formality nor informality justifies you withholding evidence of crime from me. Except, of course, on constitutional grounds."
Spade: "Now, both you and the police have as much as accused me of being mixed up in the other night's murders. Well, I've had trouble with both of you before. And as far as I can see my best chance of clearing myself of the trouble you're trying to make for me, is by bringing in the murderers all tied up. And the only chance I've got of catching them, and tying them up, and bringing them in, is by staying as far away as possible from you and the police, because you'd only gum up the works."

Gutman: "You're a close-mouthed man?"
Spade: "Nah, I like to talk."
Gutman: "Better and better. I distrust a close-mouthed man. He generally picks the wrong time to talk and says the wrong things. Talking's something you can't do judiciously, unless you keep in practice. Now, sir. We'll talk, if you like. I'll tell you right out, I am a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk."
Spade: "Swell. Will we talk about the black bird?"
Gutman: "Let's. Mr. Spade, have you any conception of how much money can be got for that black bird?"
Spade: "No."
Gutman: "Well, sir, if I told you... If I told you half... you'd call me a liar."
Spade: "No, not even if I thought so."

Brigid: "I do know he always went heavily armed, and that he never went to sleep without covering the floor around his bed with crumpled newspapers, so that nobody could come silently into his room."
Spade: "You picked a nice sort of a playmate."
Brigid: "Only that sort could have helped me, if he'd been loyal."

In the end it turns out Brigid killed Archer to implicate her mysterious accomplice Thursby. "You killed Miles" Spade says, "and you're going over for it." Sam Spade turns Mrs. O'Shaughnessy over to the police and tells her, "I hope they don't hang you, precious, by that sweet neck. Yes, angel, I'm gonna send you over. The chances are you'll get off with life. That means if you're a good girl, you'll be out in 20 years. I'll be waiting for you. If they hang you, I'll always remember you."

THE MALTESE FALCON is the definitive version of Dashiell Hammett's 1930 novel, one of the best and most popular detective mysteries of all time. The movie is virtually identical to the book, word-for-word and scene-for-scene. Huston dropped only one short scene, which he substituted with a phone call. There are many plot twists. It is probably the first "film noir" movie, dark both literally and figuratively. There are harsh shadows, a sinister atmosphere, menacing scenes, and a focus on crime, sex, and corruption--all in low-key black and white.

John Huston scripted and made his directorial debut with this fast-paced masterpiece. His father, Walter Huston, has a cameo as Captain Jocobi. The dialogue is great, and the film looks terrific in "glorious" b & w, with close attention to detail. This movie was completed in two months and cost less than $300,000 to produce.

Outstanding performances are given by a perfect cast that also includes: Gladys George (Iva Archer), Barton MacLane (Det. Lt. Dundy), Lee Patrick (Effie Perine), Ward Bond (Det. Tom Polhaus), James Burke (Luke), Murray Alper (Frank Richman), and John Hamilton (District Attorney Bryan), Charles Drake, Chester Gan, Creighton Hale, Robert Homans, William Hopper, Hank Mann, Jack Mower, and Emory Parnell. Music was composed by Adolph Deutsch.

MALTESE FALCON is one of the all-time great movies and has been imitated too often, but none have come close to its perfection. It actually improves with each viewing. The last line in the film is Sam Spade describing the statue: "It's the stuff dreams are made of." The same can be said of this movie.

"The Maltese Falcon" book had been filmed twice before with different titles. In 1931 Ricardo Cortez and Bebe Daniels starred in DANGEROUS FEMALE (TV title). It's good, similar to the classic with Cortez more of a lady's man. The Hays Office censors kept it off the market due to it's "lewd" (including homosexual) content. Then SATAN MET A LADY was produced in 1936 with Warren William and Bette Davis. It's a loose adaptation, a light comedy with the characters renamed. BLACK BIRD (1975) is the satirical sequel with George Segal as son Sam Spade Jr. MALTESE FALCON has been spoofed in THE MALTESE BIPPY (1969) with Dan Rowan and Dick Martin, MURDER BY DEATH (1976), THE CHEAP DETECTIVE (1978), and THE BIG GOODBYE (1988).